Elders Deserve Respect

It was a bright sunny Saturday when Colette walked into the Senior’s Residence for an appointment. She was searching for an apartment for her mother who had recently taken a bad fall down the stairs on her way to the laundry room. With a sprained wrist and bruises covering her body, she had asked Colette to begin the search on her behalf. It was clear—the time had come to sell the family home.

As Colette waited in the reception, she saw Maria walking by.

“Maria!” she called out.

Maria turned, she smiled.

“It is so good to see you. How are you? I miss seeing you at the bank. I always loved your weekly visits with Walter. You both were constantly on the go. You must miss him so.” Colette said as she hugged Maria.

Colette was the bank manager at Walter and Maria’s branch. Like clockwork, every Thursday, they would enter the bank to withdraw money for groceries, restaurant outings and prescriptions. The Tellers loved them. Especially when Maria walked in with a tin of her famous ginger snap cookies.

Maria smiled weakly. “Yes, I do miss my Walter. Life is just not the same.” Her eyes welled up.

Colette wanted to cheer up Maria. She said. “Maria, I’m here on behalf of my Mom. She’s selling her house and she asked me to help her look for an apartment. I should ask you. Do you like it here?”

“Oh, yes. It is lovely. My apartment is perfect. Walter and I picked it when we sold our home. We had a few wonderful years here together.” Maria smiled at the memory, her eyes watery.

She continued “There are plenty of social activities, card games, bingo, movie night! And, there are outings. In fact, there is one coming up next week.”

“Lovely, are you going?” Colette asked.

“Oh no, my daughter said I can’t afford it. In fact, she is looking for another place for me to live so that I can stay within my budget. She says it is too expensive here.”

“You mean, you’ll be moving?” Colette was disappointed. Her mom would enjoy meeting Maria. She could imagine them easily becoming friends. She was also disturbed. Something was not adding up.

“I’m afraid so. I don’t understand it. Wally had always told me I would never have to worry. But I’m worried I can’t afford to stay here and I like it here. Everyone is so nice. In fact, I know your Mother could be very happy here. You must bring her for a visit. She can come and have tea with me.” For an instant, Maria was feeling like her old self.

“Oh, thank you Maria. I’m feeling confident that we are doing the right thing for my Mom.” Colette said.

The secretary entered the foyer. “Colette Dubé, we are ready to see you now.”

“Oh, thank you. Well, Maria, I’m so happy I saw you. I’ll call you when I come back with my Mom for a visit. Please take care.”

“Thank you dear. I’ll do my best.” Maria smiled weakly as she pressed her hand in Colette’s.

Something was not sitting well with Colette. As Maria’s bank manager, she knew that Maria was in fact a wealthy woman. What was going on? She made a mental note to check Maria’s accounts on Monday.

Monday, she followed the money trail since Walter had passed away and found discrepancies. She soon realized that Maria’s daughter, Sabrina, was siphoning money out of her mother’s account and not using it to support her mother.

This was such a delicate situation.

*****

“You are so lucky Sabrina. Your Mom is always giving you gifts. She must really appreciate everything you do for her.” exclaimed Micheline.

“Well, you know how it is. My mother never worked outside of the home, she’s not very self-sufficient. I have no choice but to look after her, so she constantly thanks me with gifts.” replied Sabrina.

Sabrina frequently spoke about her mother to her girlfriends. She made sure they knew how much effort she put into looking after her mom. She wanted to be the hero of her own story.

Maria was Sabrina’s mother. Maria had been happily married to Walter for 60 years. She had embraced the traditional role of a stay-at-home wife and mother, managing the household and caring for her family. Meanwhile, Walter had dedicated his career to a single company, ensuring financial stability for both Maria and Sabrina. They had enjoyed a comfortable home in the suburbs, family vacations and a good education for their daughter. Having grown up during the Great Depression, Walter had always been careful with his finances. As a result, when he retired, he told Maria that they were set for life. She would never have to worry about anything.

They sold their house and moved into a brand-new Seniors Residence. Their apartment was spacious and bright with a dream kitchen that Maria loved. They made friends, attended all the social activities, and booked at least two trips each year. Retirement was a gift they cherished until the day Walter fell gravely ill.

Doctor appointments, countless tests and two operations became their new reality. Walter was brave, Maria was supportive. In the end, Walter succumbed to his illness but not before he appointed Sabrina executor of his estate. Who better than their daughter, Sabrina, to take care of his beloved Maria.

Sabrina’s cell rang. She checked the screen. Damn, it was her mother again. Doesn’t she know I’m lunching with the girls. Shit!

“Gotta get this girls. My mom.” Sabrina put on her brave daughter face and ran out to the street before answering.

“What now Mom! Don’t you know I’m busy.” Sabrina bellowed.

“I’m sorry dear. I wouldn’t call if it wasn’t important.” Maria was always intimidated by Sabrina’s abruptness.

“What is so important that you have to call me when I’m out on my lunch date with the girls.”

“Well, the Administration just called me and said they hadn’t received the rent for this month. Did you forget to pay it?” Maria timidly asked.

“Mom, I’m busy. I’ll send it when I can! Now don’t call me again unless it’s an emergency.”

“Ok, dear, I’m sorry but the lady at Administration started to lecture me because the payment is late every month.” Maria hated these conversations.

“Well, that’s her problem. I’ll send it soon.” Sabrina replied in a huff.

“I could take care of paying her if you would give me a cheque book and show me how to use it. And also, there is an outing next week for all the residents. I’d love to go. Can you get some of my money from the bank. I’ll need $50.” Maria hated having to ask.

“Mom, we talked about this. You must stay on your budget, or you will run out of money. I’m protecting you.” Now Sabrina was using her patronizing voice.

“Yes dear and I appreciate everything that you do, but I get lonely. I’d like to go out and do things.” Maria’s voice quivered.

“Mom, let’s be honest—we don’t know how long you’ll need your savings, so we have to be careful. I’m just making sure you’re staying out of the poor house and don’t become dependent on me.” Sabrina replied sharply.

“I know but I can’t figure out why Dad always said I would never have to worry. All I do is worry.” Maria was exhausted.

“Oh Mom, quit with the drama! I’ll e-transfer the rent later this afternoon. I gotta get back to my lunch. Bye!” And with that Sabrina cut off her mother and put her cell on silence.

Maria had never managed her own bank account or ever written a cheque. She had never even paid a bill. Walter had given her a credit card and a weekly cash allowance. She was never short of funds to buy groceries or clothes or gifts for family and friends. She had no idea what their financial situation was. She had always been happy to leave that up to Walter.

Walter’s estate had brought the worst out of Sabrina. He had left everything to Maria. During the succession process, Sabrina made sure her mother rewrote her will making Sabrina the sole heir to her estate. Sabrina hated spending so much money on Maria’s monthly rent. When her mother asked her for cash, she cringed. Every penny spent was money she would not receive herself.

Having total control of her mother’s financial affairs, she started to spend on herself. Clothes, accessories, spa treatments, personal trainer, restaurants. The list went on. Why not, she rationalized, I’m in charge of my mother’s affairs and who knows what will be left when she dies.

There was no one protecting Maria. There was no one helping her to make decisions that could give her the quality-of-life Walter had always intended for her. Without having a clue, Maria was a victim of elder abuse.

Maria might not have had business experience and she might have hated dealing with finances but she was a wise woman who had lived a full life. She had been temporarily shaken by the loss of her soulmate, her life partner.

The light went on the day she met Colette who reminded her of her weekly bank visits with Walter.

One morning, Maria donned her spring coat and stepped outside for a walk. She had a plan. The day was beautiful, the sunshine wrapping around her like a gentle embrace. With each step, she felt a renewed strength, as if Walter’s spirit walked beside her. She walked directly to the bank entering with her tin of cookies. The Tellers were thrilled to see Maria. It had been too long.

She asked to see Colette. When Colette saw who was asking for her, she immediately called one of her colleagues to sit in on their meeting.
Maria struggled to acknowledge that she had allowed her daughter to take control, only to realize it wasn’t in Maria’s best interest. Admitting that Sabrina was misusing her power of attorney while also mistreating her mother was both painful and humiliating.
“Maria we are going to have an Actuary conduct a financial report for you. They’ll do a thorough study measuring the management of risk and uncertainty on how much you need every year in order to maintain the lifestyle that Walter wished for you. We can also show you how you can manage your affairs on your own. And, if you choose, you can revoke Sabrina’s power of attorney so that you regain full control over your decisions.” Collette was happy and somewhat relieved that Maria had come to her and that she would finally be making her own decisions.

In the end, Maria took back her life as she asked questions and learned how to manage her finances. She remained in her beloved apartment filled with happy memories of Walter. He had been right, she had nothing to worry about. They were set for life.

She mended her relationship with Sabrina letting her daughter know that she was not helpless, she could make decisions, she needed to be respected and heard. She would no longer tolerate Sabrina telling her what to do, rather she would accept Sabrina asking her what she would like to do. Maria had been blown off course temporarily when she lost Walter but now, she was back in control and standing strong on her own.

And the gifts for Sabrina did continue but they came from Maria not from Sabrina manipulating Maria’s bank account.

Author: Lynn Brown-Poole

******

Seniors deserve respect, to be heard, to be allowed an opinion, to be listened to, to be supported, to be well treated.

There are many social services that can support Seniors and their families.

Mistreatment helpline
The Mistreatment Helpline is a provincial telephone line for listening, reference and support specializing in the mistreatment of older adults and all adults in vulnerable situations.
https://lignemaltraitance.ca/en

211 Grand Montreal is a free helpline and web service, that connects you to community and social services of Greater Montreal, in over 200 languages.
https://www.211qc.ca/

Municipalité amie des aînés du Quebec (MADA)
The MADA team has been working with Quebec municipalities since 2009. Currently, there are more than 1,000 municipalities that pay particular attention to the needs and challenges of seniors. Aging at home is possible when the community and elected officials work together!
https://madaquebec.com

Services and resources for West Island of Montreal Residents
https://crcinfo.ca/wp-content/uploads/2021/10/Seniors-Resource-Guide-2020.pdf