Mending a Broken Heart
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Overcome by a Broken Heart
The phone rang and Gabrielle, a Voluntas employee, immediately answered. A sad, devastated voice struggled to tell her that his beloved partner, Lorraine, had just passed away. It was Marcel, he knew Gabrielle. He was relieved that she had taken his call. He explained to her that Lorraine had felt unwell so they had brought her to Maisonneuve-Rosemont hospital in Montreal where she died a few days later.
Marcel and Lorraine were a couple like no other. She was very tall and imposing, he short and puny. Their life together thrived because they were interdependent on each other’s strengths thus sharing a relationship that was as friendly as it was loving.
After settling all the funeral arrangements, Marcel became a recluse completely isolating himself. His friends were unable to reach him. Sitting in his padded rocking chair, he spent most of his days quietly crying. He’d watch the fish in his aquarium swim in water that became more and more murky. Suffering from an eye problem, everything was blurry in his field of vision. His tears made forms even more muddled and unfocussed.
He suffered from anxiety as he worried about his future without Lorraine. He could not eat. As soon as he put food in his mouth, his body immediately rejected it. Even drinking water made him nauseous. He lost track of taking his medication, the mail piled up in the mailbox, the bananas on the counter turned black, he reeked from lack of showering. As the intermittent ticking of the clock signaled the slow march of time, Marcel’s self-imposed isolation and stillness was quickly increasing his aches and pains.
And then one day, Marcel fell and no longer had the strength to get up.
The neighbor, noticing how quiet things were at Marcel’s, decided to check-in on him. She knocked on the door. No answer. She used her key that Lorraine had given her years ago, unlocked the door and entered the house. To her horror, she discovered Marcel, lying on the kitchen floor. He had passed away less than a month after the death of his beloved Lorraine.
Over the years, as funeral professionals, we have witnessed many stories like that of Lorraine and Marcel. When one spouse dies, the other passes away in the following weeks or months.
It makes you wonder if it is possible to die of a broken heart. If so, how can we prevent it. How can we mend a broken heart.
Mending a Broken Heart
Wally met Evelyn at camp the summer of ‘72. He was completely smitten with her, his heart racing every time she walked into the room. In no time they were best friends, love followed, and on the day they graduated from college, Wally proposed. The next 50 years Wally and Evelyn shared a life of love, companionship, dreams and adventure.
They never had children. It wasn’t by choice, it just turned out that way. Nevertheless, their lives felt rich and complete. Except for work, they were inseparable. They were always on the go with busy careers, lots of travel, eating out with a few close friends and decompressing from work in the evenings in their backyard spa with glasses of bubbly. They would spend hours debating destinations before they booked trips.
Wally was the first to retire. After a few weeks feeling like he was on vacation, Wally realized retirement was not what he thought it would be. His daily routine and sense of purpose disappeared, his colleagues that he had always thought to be friends, were no longer around and with Evelyn at work all day, his sense of worth waned. He realized how much he depended on Evelyn to give his life direction. He was at a loss of how to fill his time. Concerned, Evelyn handed in her resignation, took a package and retired to be with Wally.
Wally and Evelyn spent all their time together loving the relaxed pace that came with retirement, such a change from the stress of their careers. Gradually they developed a daily routine that they both embraced. Retirement was freedom, they could plan what they wanted, when they wanted, where they wanted. The first thing they did was take a trans-Atlantic cruise. When they weren’t in the Casino, they were drinking cocktails at the Martini Bar discussing plans for when they returned home. Evelyn had long dreamed of renovating their house but busy careers had always seemed to stall such a project. Now they had the time. As soon as they returned home, they got started. Wally was a handy man, Evelyn had an eye for décor. They were loving this team project.
When Evelyn fell sick, they were both in shock. It was not part of their plan. They were renovating their home. It would be Evelyn’s dream home. They felt panicked. Evelyn felt she could not leave Wally to live on his own. Wally could not imagine living a life that did not include Evelyn.
But Evelyn had always been Wally’s angel and in true form when she knew her time was limited, she got to work.
She started to teach Wally how to cook. He learned how to boil eggs, make grilled cheese sandwiches, cook chicken and mashed potatoes and roast vegetables in the oven. She taught him how to follow recipes, to prep before cooking. Food no longer appealed to Evelyn but she cheered Wally on and took bites of everything he made. He would proudly smile and then excuse himself, go the bathroom and silently cry. He hated cooking, he was doing it for Evelyn.
Evelyn was so happy when she believed that she had convinced a very reluctant Wally to watch the cooking channel. She wanted him to cook tasty meals for himself when she was gone. She hoped he would enjoy the challenge.
Since their early days of marriage, after Wally had ruined a few garments doing the laundry, Evelyn had graciously requested that Wally never do the laundry again. She was happy to do laundry. It was a joke between them. But now, 50 years later, she had Wally doing the laundry. His folding skills were questionable, but they did improve. He even found the iron and used it on occasion.
Summer arrived. The birds announced daybreak with a cacophony of song, the sun peaked through the mature trees in their backyard. Wally bought a beautiful chaise longue for Evelyn so she could sit outside and enjoy watching him cook dinner on the new BBQ. Anything to see her eyes twinkle and her lips smile.
Friends visited, and when Wally was busy cooking, she quietly spoke to them and had them promise to stay in touch with Wally and make sure he went out with them. They must never accept a “no”. She knew her Wally.
As September arrived, Evelyn spent most of her days sleeping. She had found a woodworking class close to home and insisted Wally join it so while she slept, he could stay busy. At first, he fussed but after a few weeks, he started to enjoy the class and the camaraderie of fellow seniors, many of whom lived on their own. Evelyn started to relax. But she still needed more time.
Always the one to take care of their finances, when Evelyn was diagnosed, she documented all their financial information and passwords, step-by-step, making sure Wally would not have to search for any information when she was gone. It was now time for her to go over everything with him.
And, finally, reluctantly, Wally agreed to go with Evelyn to make both their pre-arranged funeral plans at Voluntas Commémoration. It was difficult for them to face reality but once their arrangements were complete, they were both filled with a sense of peace.
On that fateful day, when Wally walked out of the Teresa Dellar Palliative Care Residence for the last time, a cool gentle rain fell. He stood still and let the rain wash over him. He was incapable of moving. He had no idea why he should move. Something was missing. He could not think. He had chest pains, shortness of breath, he was dizzy and despite the cool rain, he was sweating. He was suffering from a broken heart. How could he live without Evelyn. But there was a funeral that had to take place. Evelyn whispered in his ear that he could do this. He motored on.
At the funeral, Wally was touched by everyone who came to pay their respects. He realized that he was not the only one who loved Evelyn. His heart burst with pride and gratitude knowing he had been the lucky one to share his life with such an angel.
The funeral ended, Wally returned home to an eerie silence. He felt like a zombie walking around the house. His grief was like a powerful weight crushing his chest. Sometimes, he could hardly catch his breath. And then he would cry and cry.
As one week rolled into the next, he was not sure when he last took a shower or shaved. He certainly hadn’t worn anything besides his sweats. Evelyn would not like to see him like this but “It serves her right; she should never have left me! How could she?” His anger was raw. And then he would cry in shame.
He was running out of food. He had eaten all the chips, cookies and chocolate in the house. There were no eggs, bread or peanut butter. He didn’t care. His baggy clothes made that clear.
Sleeping in his bed, the bed he had shared for 50 years with Evelyn was not where he found peace, only nightmares. So, he slept during the day on the couch. At night he spent hours on his ipad looking at nothing.
When the doorbell rang one day, Wally came face-to-face with the mailman. Their mailbox was down the street. Why was he here? “Sorry to disturb you but your mailbox is jammed full, sir. I thought you might want your mail. You seem to have lots of bills. A few marked “past due”.
Wally thanked the mailman and brought the mountain of mail to the kitchen table. There were a few condolence cards but also many bills. “Evelyn is not going to be happy with me.” Wally said to no one. He got up, went to the file that Evelyn had prepared and spent his first night off his ipad sifting through files. At dawn, Wally woke up with his head on the kitchen table a coffee cup in his hand and a serious pain in his neck. He had organized everything.
His mouth felt like it was full of moth balls, his clothes stuck to him, he reeked. He went to the bathroom, showered, shaved, combed his hair, put on clean clothes. He started to wander around the house picking up dirty laundry. He put a load in the washing machine. He read the directions Evelyn had taped to the wall. Soon the machine was rumbling along.
Then the phone rang, Wally ignored it. He hadn’t answered the phone since losing Evelyn.
This time the phone kept ringing. Each time it would stop, a minute later it would ring again. Finally, Wally picked up. “Where have you been?” bellowed the desperate voice. “Wally, it’s Jim from woodworking! I’ve been calling you, leaving messages! We were working on that project together, Wally. I can’t finish it without you. I need you to come back to woodworking, PLEASE Wally. Do you need a ride? I’ll pick you up. Tomorrow too soon. Ok, next Tuesday. I’m not taking “no” for an answer.” Wally was stuck. Maybe he would find an excuse not to go by next Tuesday.
The next week the phone rang again. This time Wally picked up on the first ring. “Wally, the boys are going to the Manoir for breakfast tomorrow. I’ll pick you up at 9:00 am. Don’t tell me “no” Wally. Evelyn is watching over you and the hell if I’m going to piss her off.” Oh well, Wally could use a decent breakfast.
And so it went, Wally started to “do things” and interact with people, friends. The TV became Wally’s companion at home. He installed it in the kitchen and watched the cooking channel faithfully. He finally dared to bring some meatballs that he had made to woodworking class. He enjoyed his friends’ enthusiasm as they devoured every last morsel. He could feel Evelyn’s approval. The pain in his chest started to subside.
Little by little Wally started to carve out a new life for himself. It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t what he would have chosen but he felt Evelyn resting on his shoulder, guiding him along. He knew she would be at peace knowing that he was making every effort to live his best life looking to the future no longer stuck in the past.
What is Broken Heart Syndrome
Broken heart syndrome, also known as takotsubo cardiomyopathy, is a temporary heart condition that is often triggered by extreme emotional or physical stress. It is sometimes mistaken for a heart attack because it can cause chest pain and shortness of breath, but it is not caused by blocked coronary arteries.
Causes
The condition happens when a person experiences a sudden and intense emotional event, such as:
serious illness.
- surgery or medical procedure (e.g., cardiac stress test)
- severe pain
- receiving bad news (such as a diagnosis of cancer)
- car or other accident
- financial loss
- intense fear
- injury of a close relative, friend, or pet
- a breakup
- the death of a loved one
This stress causes a temporary weakening of the heart muscle, particularly the left ventricle, which can lead to a ballooning of the heart’s apex or “takotsubo” (Japanese for “octopus trap,” which is the shape the heart takes). Though it’s not fully understood why this happens, it’s believed that a surge of stress hormones (like adrenaline) may temporarily stun the heart muscle, leading to the symptoms. It affects particularly menopause women, 9 women for 1 man. Women are more sensitive than men to the effects of stress hormones.
Symptoms
- Chest pain
- Shortness of breath
- Elevated heart rate
- Arrythmias or palpitations
- Nausea
- Fainting
- Can also lead to death
Treatment
A medical intervention is urgent and necessary. Prescription of inhibitors, beta-blockers and anticoagulants might be necessary. The good news is that broken heart syndrome is typically reversible, and most people recover within a few weeks to months. Treatment focuses on managing symptoms and “it’s also important to work on reducing any stress that may have played a role in triggering the disorder.”
It’s important to differentiate it from a heart attack, which requires different treatments.
How to Prevent the Broken Heart Syndrome
“There are many solutions to prevent this illness. First to have a healthy lifestyle consisting of an adequate diet for the supply of protein, starch and vitamins to the heart. Relaxation is also a very important prevention to fight against stress, the primary factor of this disease. Thus, naps or even meditation and sophrology allow you to relax and avoid the risk of a broken heart. All methods to better manage stress are good to use.”
Here are some strategies to better manage ourselves during a period of upheaval, such as the death of a loved one: do physical activity, take long walks, write, listen to music, surround yourself with good people, reconnect with activities that fascinate you, consult a therapist, develop your gratitude towards life and those around you. Learn to seize the day, carpe diem.
Mending a broken heart means, above all, offering yourself gentleness and patience.
Authors: Lynn Brown-Poole & Stéphanie Côté (February 2025)
https://www.health.harvard.edu/heart-health/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy-broken-heart-syndrome
https://www.svhhearthealth.com.au/conditions/takotsubo-cardiomyopathy
